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Quitting Discord

When I was around 12 or 13 years old, I started a group on an online game. Before long, I had over 100 members and I wanted to organize my community. One day, one of the members added me as a friend.

"Hey," she said "I saw your group wall post about wanting to organize more, have you heard of Discord?" This was how I started using Discord. It wouldn't be for another 7 years that I'd be able to pull myself away.

This member, who I came to know as Amber, introduced herself to me and said that she knew how to organize Discord servers well and asked if I wanted her help. I agreed, made an account, and we created the group's server. That server never ended up going anywhere, but she and I became close online friends and talked nearly every day.

One day while we talked, her responses became more and more spaced out than normal.

"Sorry, I'm doing two things at once." She explained. "You know what, I have an idea." She then added me to a group chat with another person. This person was as confused as I was about being added to the group-chat. Amber explained that she was talking to both of us at the same time and thought it would be easier to just make a group-chat. This new person introduced herself as Nicole and revealed that she was Amber's real life friend. Just like that, I had met the second member of our online friend-group which would be inseparable for the next 4 years.

We talked every day, for hours a day. These text chats would eventually become multi-hour voice-chats. A routine was established where we'd start a call in the morning and not end it until late at night (during summer vacation anyway). We played games together almost every day and had a great time. I was having so much fun I didn't notice the world around me slipping away.

"Hey Vinny," my brother called as he entered my bedroom. "We're going to the pool today, are you coming?"

"No, sorry, I'm doing something" I replied.

"Oh, ok." He said, sounding a little sad.

This familiar scene would play out over and over again that summer and the next 3 summers after it. I missed pool parties, birthdays, doctors appointments, it was all the same. I couldn't leave my friends, not for one moment.

I was obsessed, and I didn't even realize it. It's so obvious looking back now but it seemed so normal then. I couldn't see the harm, I was having so much fun. All fun things come to an end, though.

Eventually I noticed just how much Amber and Nicole's personalities had changed. They seemed more distant, a little mean, and uninterested in the things we used to do together. The voice-chats became shorter, and eventually rarer, and then one day we had a fight. I don't even remember what the fight was about, I just remember that it was the final nail in the coffin for our friendship. It was 2021, I was now 17 and in my junior year of high school. I spent 4 years and nearly every day talking to these girls and I had nothing to show for it. More importantly, I didn't have any real friends at school because I was so invested in the online world.

You'd think that this would've been a rock-bottom moment for me and I would have realized how bad this was for me and my social life, but I still couldn't see it.

Shortly after, I joined the Discord server for the small online community of a vaporwave Internet radio station. I started talking to the mods of this server who were all in a tight-knit friend-group. And I was eventually included in it.

This was the outcome I was hoping for. I was so lonely and wanted so badly to have another group of online friends. This time I was more distant, but still very invested. Over time, I became closer to one member of this group than the others. I really liked her. I enjoyed talking about the things we had in common, and she spoke Spanish natively which was really exciting to me as before this I didn't have anyone to practice or discuss it with. I let myself become too attached too quickly and eventually I had a crush on her.

I said this to her flat out very shortly after really getting to know her. Honestly, it's surprising that wasn't the end of our friendship right then and there. She rejected me for obvious reasons, but we kept talking. I never stopped liking her. I held on to this hope that one day something would change. Creepy, wasn't it? I didn't realize that at the time, either.

Eventually we started playing games together regularly, and talking almost every day. I became more and more attached to her. Once again I began neglecting things that I should've been taking care of. Once again I was canceling hanging out with my friends. Once again, I felt the world around me slipping away.

One day, I got in a fight with another member of the friend-group. It was over something stupid that I shouldn't have said. Given that I was the newest member of the group, and he was the leader of it (at least in my mind) I decided it was my obligation to leave.

It was really selfish of me. It caused the girl I'd been talking to worry and try to get a hold of me. I blocked all of her attempts. I never forgot about her, though. And I hoped that we could talk again one day.

I started focusing on school more and I made friends. We had common interests and a common field of study so we got really close really fast. This was my senior year of high school. I felt like I had a weight off myself and I finally felt free. I still didn't realize why I felt so free, though. I still didn't get what was weighing me down.

I missed her. I missed talking to her. One day I reached out again and she was really happy to see me. We started talking again and I became involved again but something was different this time. I felt something itching in the back of my mind. I felt like I wanted to run away. I didn't understand why. One day I had an epiphany. I realized how terminally online I was, and I realized how it was affecting me. From that day forward, talking to her didn't feel the same anymore. I felt sick, and I wanted to get better right away. I realized I needed to cut contact.

The thought really hurt. It hurt because I knew it would make her sad. It hurt because I knew it wasn't her fault. It hurt because I knew that, this time, it would be for good.

I said goodbye a couple months ago now. She was upset, of course, but understanding. I'm in my second year of college now. I finally realize how much time I wasted on Discord, and I want to make up for it. I started reading again. I started gardening again. I finally feel like myself again.

I've started making changes to my lifestyle to get off the Internet more and more. I hope I can really start to live life in the real world now.

— Vince